-Please, tell me something about yourself.
-Sure. Which selfie do you want me to tell about?
-I mean ‘yourself’, not ‘your selfie’. Are you hard-working?
-Pretty much yes. I walked really hard trying to find your office.
-What do you do in your leisure time?
-What sort of pleasure are you talking about?
-‘Leisure time’, not ‘Pleasure time’.
-Well, I enjoy the process of not working.
-Do you get along well with your co-workers?
-Yes, and with cows too.
-I meant CO-workers, not COW workers. OK, the next question. Why did you choose this position?
-Funnily enough, my girlfriend asks me the very same question when we are about to have sex.
-Alright, doesn’t matter. Are you sociable?
-Definitely. I have inner dialogues 25 hours a day.
-Have you had any bad experiences?
-No, in the office I have only had table experiences.
-I mean bAd experiences, not bEd experiences. Okay, let’s ask the question this way: What was the biggest challenge you faced in your career and how did you deal with it?
-Well, once I was working on one task but couldn’t really focus on it because in the room there was also a girl which was very hot. So I walked up to her and said, ‘Could you not be so hot, please? Just for a while. I’m trying to concentrate on my work.’ She laughed and left the room. And then I successfully finished my project.
-Impressive. You seem to have very good negotiation skills.
-Thank you.
-Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?
-Well, I do have a good imagination. Not because I have seen a lot of naked women but rather because I have been a painter for a long lime.
-Are you saying that in 5 years you see yourself as a painter of naked women?
-You know, such a brilliant idea has never occurred to my mind but thank you for informing me about the possibility of getting such kind of promotion.
-Pardon?
-Just kidding.
-OK, next question. How do you feel about substituting your colleagues?
-I would actually be more than happy to substitute them!
-Great!…
-By visiting their wives and girlfriends when my colleagues are at work.
-What are your salary expectations?
-I like to have it with tomatoes, cucumbers, and sweet peppers.
-I mean ‘SALARY expectations’, not ‘SALAD expectations’. Alright, let’s move on. What is your biggest weakness? On second thoughts, I already know.
-And what is it?
-A lack of seriousness.
-Yes, but I try hard to develop it.
-And what do you do to develop seriousness?
-I have a bowl of cereal every morning.
-Here comes the next question. Have you ever had an office romance?
-No, that would be quite unprofessional, wouldn’t it? I only have office sex.
-Why did you choose our company? But don’t say, ‘Because I had noticed a lot of hot girls working here.’, please. I do value a good sense of humour but I also value а balance.
-Alright. I chose your company because I had noticed a lot of MODERATELY hot girls working here.
-How many languages do you speak?
-Five.
-Impressive. Can you demonstrate that?
-Sure. Here we go. Meow! Woof! Roar! Cuckoo!…
-… And what is the fifth language?
-The fifth language is fish language.
-So, the last question. Do you have any questions for us? But serious questions, please.
-Alright. Who build the Egyptian pyramids?
-Egyptians.
-Who made cuneiform inscriptions on Sumerian clay tablets?
-Sumerians.
-Who invented Google.
-Google.
-Okay, Google…
Google: Serious questions, please.